It’s easy to let ourselves slip away. Life, time and circumstance often take more than their measure. For me, being the Guardian of My Higher Self has been my personal Holy Grail. At times, maintaining this has been as elusive as the legend.
Take the last few years. Think of the movie “The Perfect Storm“, remember when they were in the eye of it? That sums it up.
George Clooney “THE PERFECT STORM”
Two invigorating and magical things happened today, though. First, I found an angel in a small tin box of my later mother’s. She had a post it note on the lid which read “baby seahorses”, and indeed, there were three inside. I thought that was all there was, but I was wrong. I was about to close the lid when I was clearly being directed to remove the small bubble wrap packing so I could look in the crumpled tissue paper which was also cushioning them, and there she was, the angel.
The message was so clear. It was as if my mother was right there. She was saying to me, don’t give up. I believe in you, your Guardian Angel believes in you and we’re here to help. I cried grateful tears and thanked her.
Next, came the second miracle.
First, some context. I’ve bitten off a mammoth-sized project which I am calling Getting It Together. Stage One is a hard core reduction of my personal possessions. To give you an idea of what I’m up against, I have over 16,000 pounds of stuff. That’s one helluva freight load.
Progress is slow, but steady. It took several months to reduce five storage lockers to two. Currently, I am dealing with a Library of Congress mountain of paperwork. By the way, it feels really good. While in many ways, my life is still spinning out of control, I am getting a sense of accomplishment from this mundane task.
Whilst culling files, I found the two essays that I wrote for my graduate school applications. I don’t know about you, but I loathe reading my writing once it’s “done”. So much so, in fact, that when I first came across these, I put them aside to file. However, my Guardian Angel and my mom clearly had other ideas. The directive to stop what I was doing and read them was undeniable.
Bear in mind that I wrote these almost 30 years ago. I’d like to think that I’m more adept as a writer, and I am, but I’m also really proud of what I had written. Astonished, actually. Because not only were they really good as in no-wonder-I-was accepted-at-all-three-schools level good, the words captured who I am as a person and as an artist.
This said to me that regardless of all the trauma I’ve endured, I’m still here. It signifies that I AM a survivor. My heart, my integrity, my vision, it hasn’t been damaged, and I have experienced more shit than you can imagine. You name it. I’ve lived it, but it didn’t kill who I am at my deepest core.
So tonight, for the first time in as long a while as the Nile, I’m proud of myself because through it all, I have always honored my life’s vision. I may not look like much of a success now, especially in comparison to where I was, but in my book, I am.
Ultimately, it is who stares back at us in the mirror that measures us as a person. — Sidney Peck
Reading these essays also remind me that it is my responsibility to fulfill the promise I made to myself as a child. Last summer when I returned to LA after an extended absence as a caregiver, I allowed circumstances to get the better of me. By not setting clear boundaries, I empowered two losers to harass me out of town. That’s not the real me. I’m a fighter!
There were other contributing factors to why my return “home” didn’t pan out, and when I am excruciatingly honest, it was largely a lack of planning. Again, this isn’t my usual modus operandi. Hindsight once again is laser sharp 20/20. I can tell you this…
It won’t happen again.
My place is in LA. It’s where I’ve spent the bulk of my life. It’s where I need to do business. Thanks to these two essays and my mom’s angel, I’ve made a fresh commitment to my writing and I’m taking it where it belongs, back home. This time, I’m going back to stay and no one is getting in my way!
No matter where you’re at in this journey, I urge you keep your sacred flame alive. Guard it zealously and above all, nurture it. It’s what makes you that one perfect and unique snowflake.
You are as beautiful as the vision you hold.
Honor Your Vision.
Thank you for taking time to visit with me here. Comments are sincerely appreciated, and if you like what you just read, you’d be an angel to share it on social media. There’s lots of share the love buttons below ❤
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